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Yo Bart, man
how old are you now?
I grew up with you
but you’re still a wise-cracking kid
and I’m a wise-cracking middle-aged guy

I remember when I stopped skateboarding
I started getting scared
getting reasonable about things
aware of public safety
aware of my knees
but you still ollie your dad’s car
every evening, before settling down for some Itchy and Scratchy

When are you gonna get laid?
Have you hit puberty yet?
A guy like you, always getting in trouble
surely you would’ve experimented with sex by now
At least fingered someone…
got a handjob?
Something adolescent like that?

I wish I could be consistent like you
My face is starting to sag
There’s a thin spot coming in on the top of my head
I think about different things now
Like at one point I was chasing girls all the time
And drinking til I was too drunk to remember what I did with them
Now I feel guilty looking at a hot girl
coz she might be half my age
She could be my niece

Even my niece is too old for you, Bart
And I’m not sure she was ever interested in you, tbh
It’s like you’re middle-aged like me
Irrelevant to today’s youth
but you don’t have any knees to worry about
so you keep being whatever age a kid
at Springfield Elementary would be.

It’ll be a sad day
when Nancy Cartwright dies.